I left Korea in the year 2010. I traveled back in time nearly five hundred years, two years ago. Judging by the time that has elapsed I'm guessing that it is the year 2012. Back in Canada I was into the whole 2012 apocalypse thing. These days I could give a shit. These days I wake up and find new skulls on the racks outside my shack. In place of a reliable cock crow comes the wailing of some new sunrise victim. It never fails, the sun always rises and there are always new entrails to clean up.
So, somehow the technology has advanced enough in Korea in the past two years for me to send messages into the future. The latest blog post got through and the Korean ministry of science culture and technology decided to spread some Hallyu back in time to the Aztecs. Some good evidence that the world may end somewhere around 2012 is the fact that apparently some Korean rapper has a number #2 song on the billboard charts right now.
I vaguely remember the simpler times of being an English teacher in Korea. I remember that I used to work in a middle school somewhere, where I would keep a blog about my life in Korea. I would pluck away at a keyboard complaining about how Koreans never thing outside of the box, or about how Korean management style is all just top down without any chance to stop for reflection about whether or not something is a good idea. I sure wish I would have reflected on the idea of traveling back in time to live with Aztecs. I think I penned a few pieces saying that Korean pop musicians will never make it big in the west if it is up to Korean culture ministers to promote pop music.
Well congratulations to Psy on his success, and I hope that he rests in piece. I got a chance to meet him after the Korean government sent him and a small entourage back in time to promote Korean popular culture. I was supposed to be some kind of liaison between them and the Aztecs. Well they never warned me that this was going to happen, and one day while I was teaching verbs for polishing and melting metals, a flash of light appeared and Psy popped out with about 5 sexy girls and a guy who called himself captain Choi (more on him in future posts.)
I remembered what happened when I appeared in a flash of lightning so I rushed to do what I could so that they wouldn't be murdered on the spot. My gamble worked and I was able to arrange a concert for them.
It turns out that the song "Gangnam Style," is popular where ever it pops up. The Aztecs insisted that the entourage perform the song five hundred times a day for a week. Soon the Aztecs were doing the dance and shouting "Heyyyyy sexy lady," when they would go on slave raids. Things moved a bit fast from their. The high priest soon took a keen interest in sacrificing one of Psy's dancers that accompanied him. Psy objected so they skewered him on a post outside of town. Now he kind of acts like this puppet that the raiding parties shake around. It is a terrifying mascot, especially when 500 Aztecs follow him into battle shouting Oopa Gangnam Style. I had a nightmare about it the other day. I don't think that I'll ever be able to go to Gangnam again. If there is indeed a Gangnam style, to me it will start as a calm morning in jungle village. Perhaps a few early risers won't notice the smoke immediately. They'll smell it. They'll realize the implication and begin to panic. They'll shout to their families to wake up and get out of the village. The quick ones will find that the village is surrounded. And then there is a moment of silence. A corpse in a blue tuxedo and sunglasses makes an appearance. The people in the village fall silent as they face the host before them, and then.....
OOPA GANGNAM STYLE!!!!!.
The warriors rush forward and take out all of the able bodied men who are foolish enough to mount a defense. It isn't long before the cowards try to run into the jungle but find themselves tangled up in the thicket and nets of the conquers.
HEY SEXY LADY!!!!!
Heads are smashed, huts are burned, people get captured, whipped, and beaten. The lucky ones die, while the others are forced into servitude. They are forced to walk back to the Aztec capital. Many try suicide, but it is spiritually discouraged. The souls of those who commit suicide are kept by the soul catcher. The souls are in one's pinky fingers. If the soul catcher keeps a pinky finger then that person is the soul catcher's slave in the afterlife.
That's Gangnam style. I'm afraid that my afterlife in the future can never step foot in a Gangnam department store. I'd hate for my soul to be someone's slave there.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Monday, October 8, 2012
Worst Vacation Ever!!!
Yeah I got two years off. Yeah, I didn't post here for two fucking years. Let me just tell you something. Aztecs suck. They never plan anything in advance, and they decapitate anyone who is just a little different.
It turns out that it only takes about six months to walk to Canada from the middle of Mexico. It also turns out that if you walk across America with an Aztec raiding party, they pretty much just try to kill everyone they meet. Don't call me a racist or anything. They compelled me to decapitate a few people as well. Sometimes my own decapitations were in self defense.
When you march into a village, burn it down, and then enslave or dismember the survivors, you are kind of guilty by association. Hell all I wanted to do was to walk to the place where London Ontario will be in the future and see if there was anything that I recognized. It turns out that there was a small community were London will be. Stress the word WAS.
We ended up around where London will be in the winter. Aztecs weren't accustomed to four seasons, and they flipped the fuck out. The first sign of snow and it was all just pillage an loot. We wore the skins of our vanquished as winter coats and dried the carcasses for jerky.
Again and again I mentioned to the high priest that we could just hunt for deer or fish or something. We don't have to eat human every freaking day of the week, but there is just no getting through to this guy. He is convinced that if he doesn't eat somebody at least once a week then he will become impotent and therefore the crops won't be good in the spring. (He actually does this ritual sacrifice where he defiles a virgin, and just before he cums he rips out her heart, and then he sticks his dick into the aorta and cums into that. After that he plugs it with corncob and then throws it into a cenote. Apparently it is a good fertilizer.)
So yeah, I'm getting a little tired of this shit. The worst thing about the whole thing too, is that I still can't get any good indie music here. All of the chanting of screams of terror just don't have the same emotional quality as somebody like a Bel and Sebastian. I wonder what the Aztecs would do if they could just hear some Jason Mraz. They would freak the fuck out I bet.
It turns out that it only takes about six months to walk to Canada from the middle of Mexico. It also turns out that if you walk across America with an Aztec raiding party, they pretty much just try to kill everyone they meet. Don't call me a racist or anything. They compelled me to decapitate a few people as well. Sometimes my own decapitations were in self defense.
When you march into a village, burn it down, and then enslave or dismember the survivors, you are kind of guilty by association. Hell all I wanted to do was to walk to the place where London Ontario will be in the future and see if there was anything that I recognized. It turns out that there was a small community were London will be. Stress the word WAS.
We ended up around where London will be in the winter. Aztecs weren't accustomed to four seasons, and they flipped the fuck out. The first sign of snow and it was all just pillage an loot. We wore the skins of our vanquished as winter coats and dried the carcasses for jerky.
Again and again I mentioned to the high priest that we could just hunt for deer or fish or something. We don't have to eat human every freaking day of the week, but there is just no getting through to this guy. He is convinced that if he doesn't eat somebody at least once a week then he will become impotent and therefore the crops won't be good in the spring. (He actually does this ritual sacrifice where he defiles a virgin, and just before he cums he rips out her heart, and then he sticks his dick into the aorta and cums into that. After that he plugs it with corncob and then throws it into a cenote. Apparently it is a good fertilizer.)
So yeah, I'm getting a little tired of this shit. The worst thing about the whole thing too, is that I still can't get any good indie music here. All of the chanting of screams of terror just don't have the same emotional quality as somebody like a Bel and Sebastian. I wonder what the Aztecs would do if they could just hear some Jason Mraz. They would freak the fuck out I bet.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Vacation II
It turns out that I didn't have anything to worry about. It turns out that the high-priest was intrigued by my description of London, Ontario, and all of the indie bands there, so he has agreed for me to assemble a trade-warring party to head North for five years!
Vacation
Man this sucks. My contract said that I can take a 2 week vacation in August. But the biggest problem is that this is Mexico in the 1500s. There are no airports or even bus stations. I really want to get back to my hometown. I asked the high priest if I could have about three years in order to walk back home, but he seemed surprised that such a distance could exist!!!! I feel like I'm going crazy here!
It states clearly in the contract that I get some home leave, so I want some home leave. I want to walk from Central-America to where my best approximation to where London Ontario would be. I figure that it might get a little difficult up nearby the Great Lakes and stuff, but I figure I can just rent a canoe or something.
Fuck I am really pissed.
It states clearly in the contract that I get some home leave, so I want some home leave. I want to walk from Central-America to where my best approximation to where London Ontario would be. I figure that it might get a little difficult up nearby the Great Lakes and stuff, but I figure I can just rent a canoe or something.
Fuck I am really pissed.
Indie Bands
I'm really getting tired of how few indie bands there are. I grew up about forty Kilometers East of Windsor in a small town. When I moved to London (Ontario) for college I really enjoyed seeing indie bands of all types. Down here in just-barely post-Colombian-Mexico I'm really dissapointed by how few indie bands there are.
In fact most of the music is this kind of chanting that happens before a sacrifice. Sometimes this place really sucks.
In fact most of the music is this kind of chanting that happens before a sacrifice. Sometimes this place really sucks.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
My Iron Smelting Club, and A Bad Day
It's been a while. I have been busy with the daily grind. Here is a quick update:
The locals seem to think that I have magical powers so they gave me a rather large hut and about five slaves to help me out with the daily grind. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to treat my slaves. Canada abolished slavery in the 1830's and we were or will be a kind of safe haven for American slaves escaping from America's south.
Sometimes Aztec slaves are sacrificed so that the sun rises in the morning. I keep on trying to teach my co-high priest that there is no scientific evidence that supports that, and that about in about a hundred years Johanes Kepler will publish laws about planetary motion and science will soon discover that the sun rises due to the fact that the earth revolves around an axis. He reminded me that probably back in my own culture, in its past there were probably people who talked like me, who challenged the zeitgeist of people in an area, they were probably beheaded or confined quarters and forced to confess their treasons.
I backed off at that point, but still, some people just don't know how to take criticism. I wasn't trying to say that my way was better than his, I just wanted him to listen to what I was saying, but he just blew me off.
I for one, won't be sacrificing my slaves to make the sun rise. Besides, I have this one slave that makes the best atole (An Aztec porrige), and they are pretty cool to hang out with at night, but I don't like having to beat them just to keep up appearances.
It isn't all bad though. They let me start an iron smelting club. It is nice to finally get to use my traditional metelurgy degree for something. One day I was just making some bronze alloy to make some jewelry and this one guy seemed really interested in it. I made an arrow head for him. He really seemed to like the arrow head because it helped him vanquish an enemy, so he asked for more.
I had to take a class in geology when I was in college. I found that the surrounding mountains had a lot of iron ore in them so I decided, why not? The Aztecs are pretty okay at pottery so I had a few of my slaves build a bloom furnace, and then blam, that was the start of my iron smelting club.
I have over ten members now. Most of them are from the military. I tried to blacksmith up some things for farming, but my students just seem to want arrowheads and daggers. Sometimes I feel so used :( Sometimes Aztecs can't think out of the box. I can teach them how to make things like iron shovels, nails, hammers, orelocks for rowboats, and all of that stuff, but all they every want to learn how to make are things that help them kill others. They can be so narrow minded. One time I made some nails and used them to hammer together a wooden box.
I showed the box to my students and said, "You have to think outside of this," but I don't think that anybody got the message.
The locals seem to think that I have magical powers so they gave me a rather large hut and about five slaves to help me out with the daily grind. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to treat my slaves. Canada abolished slavery in the 1830's and we were or will be a kind of safe haven for American slaves escaping from America's south.
Sometimes Aztec slaves are sacrificed so that the sun rises in the morning. I keep on trying to teach my co-high priest that there is no scientific evidence that supports that, and that about in about a hundred years Johanes Kepler will publish laws about planetary motion and science will soon discover that the sun rises due to the fact that the earth revolves around an axis. He reminded me that probably back in my own culture, in its past there were probably people who talked like me, who challenged the zeitgeist of people in an area, they were probably beheaded or confined quarters and forced to confess their treasons.
I backed off at that point, but still, some people just don't know how to take criticism. I wasn't trying to say that my way was better than his, I just wanted him to listen to what I was saying, but he just blew me off.
I for one, won't be sacrificing my slaves to make the sun rise. Besides, I have this one slave that makes the best atole (An Aztec porrige), and they are pretty cool to hang out with at night, but I don't like having to beat them just to keep up appearances.
It isn't all bad though. They let me start an iron smelting club. It is nice to finally get to use my traditional metelurgy degree for something. One day I was just making some bronze alloy to make some jewelry and this one guy seemed really interested in it. I made an arrow head for him. He really seemed to like the arrow head because it helped him vanquish an enemy, so he asked for more.
I had to take a class in geology when I was in college. I found that the surrounding mountains had a lot of iron ore in them so I decided, why not? The Aztecs are pretty okay at pottery so I had a few of my slaves build a bloom furnace, and then blam, that was the start of my iron smelting club.
I have over ten members now. Most of them are from the military. I tried to blacksmith up some things for farming, but my students just seem to want arrowheads and daggers. Sometimes I feel so used :( Sometimes Aztecs can't think out of the box. I can teach them how to make things like iron shovels, nails, hammers, orelocks for rowboats, and all of that stuff, but all they every want to learn how to make are things that help them kill others. They can be so narrow minded. One time I made some nails and used them to hammer together a wooden box.
I showed the box to my students and said, "You have to think outside of this," but I don't think that anybody got the message.
Bad Day
I had a bad day today. I had this student who was the son of a noble. He was a kind of prince. this kid was really great. He was very nice and kind too. He actually helped me out one time. A lot of the peasants still thought that I was some kind of devil, here to destroy everybody. They kind of formed a lynch mob and were comming for me. When they got to my house, this kid took a position on the temple across the street from my house. He raised his arms, the people just kind of looked at him and then they dispersed.
I was actually able to teach a few people some phrases like "hello and thank you." This kid was able to learn those fast. I mimed with him in front of the others. He would give me a chocolate bean and I would say thank you. I would give him a peacock feather and he would say, "tankoo." Finally he kind of mimed that he wanted to learn how to write "thank you." He came up to me after class and patted me on the shoulder. He took a stick and started scribbling things in the ground and saying "Tankoo, Tankoo." So I took the stick from him and wrote the word, "Thank you." After that he practiced for a few minutes and then left.
The next morning the sun came up but it was a little cloudy. I walked out of my hut, and the word "thank you," was written ten times. It started to rain. The thank yous were washed away. I learned later that that kid's father was the rain priest. five days after the equinox, the first born to the rain priest, is sacrificed to the rain god to mark the beginning of rain festival that that happens once every ten years.
I went back inside so that I wouldn't get wet.
I was actually able to teach a few people some phrases like "hello and thank you." This kid was able to learn those fast. I mimed with him in front of the others. He would give me a chocolate bean and I would say thank you. I would give him a peacock feather and he would say, "tankoo." Finally he kind of mimed that he wanted to learn how to write "thank you." He came up to me after class and patted me on the shoulder. He took a stick and started scribbling things in the ground and saying "Tankoo, Tankoo." So I took the stick from him and wrote the word, "Thank you." After that he practiced for a few minutes and then left.
The next morning the sun came up but it was a little cloudy. I walked out of my hut, and the word "thank you," was written ten times. It started to rain. The thank yous were washed away. I learned later that that kid's father was the rain priest. five days after the equinox, the first born to the rain priest, is sacrificed to the rain god to mark the beginning of rain festival that that happens once every ten years.
I went back inside so that I wouldn't get wet.
Monday, June 14, 2010
OMG Aztecs Can Be So Annoying
Okay so like it was the first day of summer in the year 1510. The sun rose over the temple of the moon. I appeared in a flash of light juxtaposed against the morning twilight. The locals instantly sensed an omen and armed themselves, ready to disembowel me. Luckily a friend of mine in the program tattooed some Aztec hieroglyphics into my skin, explaining how I was a messenger sent to teach the locals the "tongue of the gods," to prepare them for their reckoning.
So they took me to the house of the local high priest, and rather than giving me any time to rest, they made me teach them...Seriously, I just traveled back in time five hundred years, and I can't even take nap. I think this is going to suck.
So anyway, they don't have any copy machines, so I had to start by teaching them the English alphabet, by writing in in the sand with a stick. My first class had about twenty students, and it seemed like it lasted for two hours. They don't have any clocks here so I didn't know when I would begin or end. Finally I just made some hand gestures and left.
I really wanted to check out Teotiuacan. I wanted to find all of the cool bars and stuff. I went to what I thought was downtown, but was actually a temple plaza, where they were performing some human sacrifices. There was this amazing barbecue smell. I totally got taken in by it, but failed to notice the rack of skulls that was at the base of one of the temples. This dude called me over and offered me a piece of meat off of this bone that looked really long. I tried some of the meat, it was pretty good, but later I realized that it was a human femur. I'll tell you what that is going to be the last time I ate femur, despite how delicious it was.
Man, it was kind of a bummer walking around ancient Mexico. Everybody was staring at me. When I tried to get a snack, I didn't know how. I don't know if people use money here, or how can I even get some money. I'm going to totally ask the high priest later if he can give me a loan or something. I'll pay him back.
Oh and talk about racist. I'm pretty sure I just got shot with a blow gun dart. Back home in Canada people usually don't treat foreigners this poorly.
Toodles for now.
So they took me to the house of the local high priest, and rather than giving me any time to rest, they made me teach them...Seriously, I just traveled back in time five hundred years, and I can't even take nap. I think this is going to suck.
So anyway, they don't have any copy machines, so I had to start by teaching them the English alphabet, by writing in in the sand with a stick. My first class had about twenty students, and it seemed like it lasted for two hours. They don't have any clocks here so I didn't know when I would begin or end. Finally I just made some hand gestures and left.
I really wanted to check out Teotiuacan. I wanted to find all of the cool bars and stuff. I went to what I thought was downtown, but was actually a temple plaza, where they were performing some human sacrifices. There was this amazing barbecue smell. I totally got taken in by it, but failed to notice the rack of skulls that was at the base of one of the temples. This dude called me over and offered me a piece of meat off of this bone that looked really long. I tried some of the meat, it was pretty good, but later I realized that it was a human femur. I'll tell you what that is going to be the last time I ate femur, despite how delicious it was.
Man, it was kind of a bummer walking around ancient Mexico. Everybody was staring at me. When I tried to get a snack, I didn't know how. I don't know if people use money here, or how can I even get some money. I'm going to totally ask the high priest later if he can give me a loan or something. I'll pay him back.
Oh and talk about racist. I'm pretty sure I just got shot with a blow gun dart. Back home in Canada people usually don't treat foreigners this poorly.
Toodles for now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)