Visitors From the Future

I left Korea in the year 2010.  I traveled back in time nearly five hundred years, two years ago.  Judging by the time that has elapsed I'm guessing that it is the year 2012.  Back in Canada I was into the whole 2012 apocalypse thing.  These days I could give a shit.  These days I wake up and find new skulls on the racks outside my shack.  In place of a reliable cock crow comes the wailing of some new sunrise victim.  It never fails, the sun always rises and there are always new entrails to clean up. 

So, somehow the technology has advanced enough in Korea in the past two years for me to send messages into the future.  The latest blog post got through and the Korean ministry of science culture and technology decided to spread some Hallyu back in time to the Aztecs.  Some good evidence that the world may end somewhere around 2012 is the fact that apparently some Korean rapper has a number #2 song on the billboard charts right now. 

I vaguely remember the simpler times of being an English teacher in Korea.  I remember that I used to work in a middle school somewhere, where I would keep a blog about my life in Korea.  I would pluck away at a keyboard complaining about how Koreans never thing outside of the box, or about how Korean management style is all just top down without any chance to stop for reflection about whether or not something is a good idea.  I sure wish I would have reflected on the idea of traveling back in time to live with Aztecs.  I think I penned a few pieces saying that Korean pop musicians will never make it big in the west if it is up to Korean culture ministers to promote pop music. 

Well congratulations to Psy on his success, and I hope that he rests in piece.   I got a chance to meet him after the Korean government sent him and a small entourage back in time to promote Korean popular culture.   I was supposed to be some kind of liaison between them and the Aztecs.   Well they never warned me that this was going to happen, and one day while I was teaching verbs for polishing and melting metals, a flash of light appeared and Psy popped out with about 5 sexy girls and a guy who called himself captain Choi (more on him in future posts.)

I remembered what happened when I appeared in a flash of lightning so I rushed to do what I could so that they wouldn't be murdered on the spot.   My gamble worked and I was able to arrange a concert for them. 

It turns out that the song "Gangnam Style," is popular where ever it pops up.  The Aztecs insisted that the entourage perform the song five hundred times a day for a week.  Soon the Aztecs were doing the dance and shouting "Heyyyyy sexy lady," when they would go on slave raids.  Things moved a bit fast from their.  The high priest soon took a keen interest in sacrificing one of Psy's dancers that accompanied him.  Psy objected so they skewered him on a post outside of town.  Now he kind of acts like this puppet that the raiding parties shake around.  It is a terrifying mascot, especially when 500 Aztecs follow him into battle shouting Oopa Gangnam Style.  I had a nightmare about it the other day.  I don't think that I'll ever be able to go to Gangnam again.  If there is indeed a Gangnam style, to me it will start as a calm morning in jungle village.  Perhaps a few early risers won't notice the smoke immediately.  They'll smell it.  They'll realize the implication and begin to panic.  They'll shout to their families to wake up and get out of the village. The quick ones will find that the village is surrounded.  And then there is a moment of silence.  A corpse in a blue tuxedo and sunglasses makes an appearance.  The people in the village fall silent as they face the host before them, and then.....

OOPA GANGNAM STYLE!!!!!.  

The warriors rush forward and take out all of the able bodied men who are foolish enough to mount a defense.   It isn't long before the cowards try to run into the jungle but find themselves tangled up in the thicket and nets of the conquers. 

HEY SEXY LADY!!!!!

Heads are smashed, huts are burned, people get captured, whipped, and beaten.  The lucky ones die, while the others are forced into servitude.  They are forced to walk back to the Aztec capital.  Many try suicide, but it is spiritually discouraged.   The souls of those who commit suicide are kept by the soul catcher.  The souls are in one's pinky fingers.  If the soul catcher keeps a pinky finger then that person is the soul catcher's slave in the afterlife. 

That's Gangnam style.  I'm afraid that my afterlife in the future can never step foot in a Gangnam department store.  I'd hate for my soul to be someone's slave there.